Life....

I haven't posted forever - life has been happening. I had a hard decision to make, and it was to postpone baby making and everything having to do with that in order to focus on my dissertation. The suck thing is that my dissertation is investigating factors in choices people make to adopt or pursue infertility. That kind of keeps it in my face, but doesn't allow me to tackle my stuff directly.
I'm also training to host a Resolve group. I know I need the support as much as others do, but I feel like I'm taking on too much. If I admitted this to the peeps I love they'd probably agree, but I'm not ready for their opinions on this.
Every now and then I just need to take a huge break from anything having to do with children and babymaking.
On an up note - I babysat for friends with the cutest little boy ever in existence and he ironed out alot of drama. When your only goal is to make sure a child survives your care with limbs intact, you get a huge wakeup call about what is important, and how niggling little things don't really matter.

Anatomy people! Basic anatomy!

So I was at a party this weekend.... An acquaintance had heard about our troubles (2nd frozen cycle called off due to embryo death - like it's a game that was forfeited and not my life....) Anywho.... The acquaintance who shall remain nameless for her ignorance suggested I ask a mutual acquaintance for her eggs since she's so awesome. This mutual person is a person that can't stand me and vice versa, so no go there besides the awkwardness of asking someone something a little bigger than do you want to dance, go out Friday, etc.
THEN she relates her sister-in-law/cousin/friend's story about how she tried to get pregnant for years and the doctors labeled her infertile. She adopts a child from Guatemala and lo and behold she finds out she's pregnant.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about miracle eggs muscling through scar tissue and defunct fallopian tubes, BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF A NATURAL BIRTH WITHOUT TUBES AND OVARIES!
Basic anatomy... and no I don't give everyone I meet the lowdown on our personal sitch, it's just that people who are college educated should know better than to assume our problems could have a Christmas type ending - I don't even buy that one to tell the truth.
Ack!
Print this next line out and feel free to hand it out wherever you are and are about to throw down with a well-meaning person (WMP) for an insensitive comment. Especially during the holidays.

Dear Well-Meaning Person,
Thank you for your concern and the story you just shared with me. I know you meant well.
Now knock it off! You do not know what my infertility situation is and your well-meaning comments may hurt infertile others if I do not stop you now. Asking me how I am, what is going on, and really listening is alot more helpful than offering me non-existant solutions to my problem.
Sincerely,
The One Living It

Now what?

OK. So it's been a few days, but I needed to get my head straight. We were called at 4:15pm on Friday and told the third embryo had grown a little and the docs wanted to wait until 8am Sat to give him a chance to mature.
The 8am call was a BFN - thing #3 decided to poop out sometime during the night. We now have no more frozen babies to try with and will have to enroll in a shared risk thingy to see if we are eligible and review new donors in case it was an incompatibility with egg to uterus.
Some people have had that very sad face as they approach - and I'm like, "No, not THAT awful." Because it is easier knowing this cycle is moot than waiting to see if they implanted.... But then they swing straight to "Oh, then act like normal," and I'm left thinking, "No. Not there either...."
My mother actually said, "Well, you're not complicated are you?" Geez. This process is so intangible physically and emotionally to those who are peripheral to it. Actually I even think my husband is over it already, and probably thinks I should be too in his heart.
I'm not....
It's probably a bad idea to do what we did and name the frozen embryos, but I couldn't resist. These were things 1, 2, and 3. And previously we had Embryella and Emburrito, and then Picasso, Buubles, and Squeak. I miss things 1, 2, and 3 now....
Bleah.

I feel like throwing up....

The embryologist just called while I was in the middle of Target and said 2 of the 3 embryos we were thawing for transfer later today died and the last one's shape doesn't look right. What the hell does that mean?
Anyway, she said they would call me back around 4 or 5 this afternoon and let me know whether it reshaped or not. If it does we can go through with the transfer with the one embryo.
I just feel sick inside - it's like being given a worse chance of surviving a surgery than right before you were prepped. And this cycle seemed to be going so well - lining was good, lots of mucus, etc.
I don't have a clue how we would cycle again anytime soon since the husband got laid off and had to take a significant pay cut for his new job, not to mention no insurance help with these treatments.
I know that waiting with your breath held is part of becoming a mother and will continue throughout my child's life, but why does it have to be so damn hard to get there in the first place?

Houston we are cleared for go!

Got the news Monday from the Fertility Clinic that we are good for our next transfer. Apparently my lining is great and the mucus is wonderful.
It's hard to sort out this time from the last two cycles when everything was supposedly "textbook". All I know is we have three icy pops left in the freezer, which I am hoping will all thaw for this transfer. I can't even begin to think about what would happen if all three implanted because I'm so afraid not even one will.
Why don't my babies like my uterus?! The docs and nurses do!